The Best Worst Fanfic Ever
by J. M. Lee
Summary: A terrible fanfic rated PG-13 mostly for language and horribleness. Also are the followings: Bad cliches, inappropriate crossovers, Mary Janing galore, innuendo, giant flying squirrels, characters being totally out of character, and my favorite: POKEMON!
1. Default Chapter

ï»¿**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 1: "THIS IS A HORRIBLE BEGINNING" || Part 1_  
by Joey  
  
Intro: I thought I'd write a fanfic. Of course, I am capable of writing an emotionally moving and literarily stunning piece of work that moves everyone to tears (see Something Close to Pain)... but I would much rather write an extremely messed up fanfic piece implementing all the horrors of fanficdom... Crossovers, bringing dead people back to life (now I will tell you what I've done for you...), slash, horribly OOC characters, and, my favorite, Pokémon. (Okay, it might not have Pokémon. It probably will, though.) Oh yeah, it'll have a lot of private jokes, I assume. I'll footnote those, because footnoting things makes me feel really smart.  
  
There, that's my intro. Here is the story. I mean, here is the fic.  
  
-----------------------  
_SETTING. This is a deceivingly Slayers-looking fanfiction. We have the standard opening for Slayers; a tavern, where Lina and Gourry are... No. Not that standard opening. Switch the opening! (*zwip*) Ok, we have Lina and Gourry at a port. No, I don't like that one either. (*zwip*) Lina and Gourry walking through the woods?_  
  
Lina: Good God, just get on with the stupid fic, would you?  
  
_Fine then. SETTING. Lina and Gourry are walking through the woods, apparently in transit from one town to the next. Gourry chews on an apple as they walk. It's mid-afternoon. The trees are... green. Can you see it? CAN YOU IMAGINE IT?_  
  
Gourry: I don't want to be in this fanfic, Lina.  
  
Lina: Shuttup Gourry, this is our big break.  
  
Gourry: It is not! We've been in a lot of fanfictions since our show ended.  
  
Lina: Well... well... *waves her hands and tries to come up with an explanation* Just believe me. We should be in this fic.  
  
Gourry: Whatever...  
  
_The two continue walking. And they walk some more. And..._  
  
Lina: *to the camera* You know, there's not a whole lot me and Gourry _do_ while we're heading to the next town. I mean, there were a whole lot of scenes cut from our show just because it's so damn boring... Can I say damn?  
  
_Yeah, you can say damn._  
  
Lina: Well, it's so damn boring that they cut it all out, unless there was a fight scene.  
  
Gourry: Or something funny.  
  
Lina: Yeah.  
  
Gourry: Like the time you couldn't use your magic because--  
  
Lina: That wasn't funny! That was embarrassing!  
  
Gourry: *rolls his eyes* Now you're getting worked up again!  
  
Lina: *walks out of the screen* Look, let's just move this scene along so we can get on with the plot. *pushes the screen to the side, revealing the next scene*  
  
_SETTING. Lina and Gourry are in a tavern. Well, I guess that whole first scene was totally pointless. Oh well. Uh, right. It's a tavern. It looks... tavern-y. Lina and Gourry are doing tavern-y things, like eating and drinking. A lot._  
  
Nondescript Man: *bursts into the tavern* Somebody, help! A demon has attacked the northwest sh--  
  
Lina: I was _wondering_ when Zelgadis was going to get introduced. *gets up out of her chair, pays the bill, and heads for the door*  
  
Gourry: That guy really doesn't know how to make an entrance.  
  
_LINA and GOURRY pass the NONDESCRIPT MAN on the way out the door. NONDESCRIPT MAN watches them in confusion. SETTING descriptions use CAPITAL LETTERS for some reason in this DESCRIPTION._  
  
Lina: Yeah, I mean, this is practically how he _always_ makes his entrance! Sigh.  
  
Nondescript Man: Are you going to stop the demon?  
  
Lina: Yeah, yeah. Where is he now?  
  
Nondescript: Oh, thank you, thank you! We spotted the demon terrorizing the northwest shrine!   
  
Lina: And how do we get there?  
  
Nondescript: Well, you take a right on Birmingham, and a left on McKubbin, head straight for seven blocks...  
  
Lina: Forget this. SCENE CHANGE!!  
  
(*zwip*)  
  
_SETTING. Lina and Gourry stand outside a large old stone shrine. Smoke is trailing up through the holes in the roof. Muted explosions are heard from the inside. Lina puts her hands on her hips and sighs._  
  
Lina: 'Ey! Zelly! Stop exploding stuff!  
  
_The explosions do not stop._  
  
Lina: Gaaaahhhh.... I guess he can't hear us. Let's go, Gourry.  
  
_Lina and Gourry make their way in towards the shrine. They follow their ears as they weave their way through dark (it's nighttime now) hallways and listen in through thin doors._  
  
(Lina: WTF?)  
  
_The two heroes come to a large set of double doors. There are loud crashing noises from within. Lina leans against the door a second, looking contemplative and sort of annoyed._  
  
Lina: If he's destroyed the whole shrine and they're not covered by insurance, I'm out of here. Because I _know_ that Zel's not on insurance.  
  
Gourry: Every smart warrior has insurance.  
  
Lina: Yeah, but Zel's got his pride in the way, ya know?  
  
Gourry: But... Lina! If Zel doesn't have insurance, how will he be insured??  
  
Lina: I... You... He.... .... ..... .................. I don't know what to say to that, Gourry.  
  
Gourry: It's a simple question, Lina.[1]  
  
_Lina ignores Gourry and pushes the doors open. Inside is a large temple room. Clouds of smoke and dust float around, making it hard to see anything. Lina walks in, looking completely unafraid. Gourry follows, still puzzling over his earlier quesiton._  
  
Lina: Zelgadis, damn you! Can't you just walk into town and say "hi" like a normal person?! Why do you always have to get introduced by blowing shit up! ...Can I say shit?  
  
_You can say anything you want, this will never be aired. It's too horrible._  
  
Lina: Oh. Neat.  
  
Gourry: Kickass!  
  
_Lina stares at Gourry for a moment, then ignores him. She cups her hands around her mouth, making a noneffective megaphone._  
  
Lina: HEY! ZEL!  
  
_The crashing stops for a moment and the dust begins to settle. Lina and Gourry hear an evil voice come at them from the shadows._  
  
Evil voice: Who is this Zel person you keep yelling about?  
  
Lina: It's you. You're Zel.  
  
Evil voice: No, my name is Doomhammer. Doomhammer Swordswinger Johnson. Slasher.  
  
Lina: Doomhammer Swordswinger Johnsonslasher?  
  
Doomhammer: Right.  
  
Lina: Goddamnit Zel, you are such an idiot!  
  
Doomhammer: I'm not Zel! I'm DOOMHAMMER SWORDSWINGER JO--  
  
Other voice: Stop right there!  
  
_The dust clears, revealing a large, scaley, toad-like demon sitting at the altar. Another figure, slim, dashing, charismatic, and dressed in a black outfit with a cape, hat and mask, stands in the window, backed by the moon._  
  
Doomhammer: No! Could it be? GOLEMMAN! Nooooooo!!  
  
_In a great ruckus, Doomhammer scuttles to make his exit. Lina and Gourry stand by, dumbfounded, as "Golemman" swoops down into the room. In a series of amazingly well-done and not to mention sexy sword moves, Golemman has destroyed the demon. Doomhammer explodes in a puff of sulphur smelling smoke, because that's what demons do and it's a cheap effect to produce. Lina looks totally amazed, gaping with stars in her eyes as Golemman sheaths his sword. His large, foppish fedora would look really lame on anyone else, but it shadows his masked face and creates an aura of undeniable sexiness._  
  
Lina: WOW!!! That was awesome!  
  
Golemman: Anything for a beautiful woman...  
  
_Golemman looks up to take in the beautiful woman he "saved," then looks startled and falls over. In a moment he has regained his composure, but something in his (rather familiar) voice is nervous. But sexy._  
  
Golemman: I am Golemman. *strikes a dashing/sexy pose* I seek out evil to destroy it! Wherever there is evil, I will be there to destroy it. That is because I am Golemman, and my duty is to destroy evil, which I find and then destroy.[2]  
  
Lina: Are you... single?!  
  
Golemman: Uh... Yes. But not with you. I mean, you and I, we should not... No. No, I'm happily married with thirty children.  
  
_Lina looks crestfallen. Golemman brushes his shoulders off and prepares to make a dashing/mysterious/sexy exit_  
  
Golemman: Be safe, fellow citizens! And do not fear! For if there is evil, there will be... **GOLEMMAN!**  
  
_Golemman swoops off into the night, leaving no trace. Lina, still crestfallen, kicks at a stone near her foot. Gourry looks unfortunately thoughtful._  
  
Gourry: You know, Golemman seemed _pretty_ familiar.  
  
Lina: What? Familiar? If we had ever met someone so dashing and handsome and sexy as Golemman, I think I would remember! ...Argh, oh well. He'll realize he's really missing out on a powerful, beautiful sorceress like me real soon now, and come crawling back! ...In the meantime, I think we should get out of here before the natives arrive.  
  
_SETTING. Lina and Gourry are now in a hotel room. Gourry is reading a Kenshin manga, while Lina is sorting through her loot. The loot currently consists of gold, cheap looking gemstones, and random other weird crap, as usual. She pauses in her sorting and looks swoony. Gourry looks over and turns a page in his manga, which he is reading backwards._  
  
Gourry: Are you thinking about Golemman again, Lina?  
  
Lina: Yeah... He's just so dreamy! Why can't you be all dark and mysterious like that, Gourry?  
  
Gourry: I think I'm too tall.  
  
Lina: Oh.  
  
_Both heroes look up at a soft knock on the door. Lina pulls herself to her feet and talks through the door suspiciously._  
  
Lina: Hello? Who is it?  
  
Familiar voice: Lina Inverse, is it?  
  
_Lina brightens at the sound of the voice, and pulls the door open. Zelgadis Greywerz is standing on the other side. He implements the "I am smug" Zelgadis smile and brushes his hair out of his eyes._  
  
Zel: I should have known eventually I would run into you two again. I'm staying at this inn, and only the two of you could be so obnoxiously loud.  
  
Lina: Zel! Hey, c'mon in! It's great to see you!  
  
_Zel walks in and sits on the bed, nudging Lina's loot with his shoe a little bit. Gourry waves and goes back to his manga. Lina sweeps in after closing the door._  
  
Zel: I heard that there was some sort of disturbance at the northwest shrine... you two wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?  
  
Lina: Heheh. Of course not.  
  
Zel: What happened?  
  
Lina: Well, we were in the tavern downstairs and this very nondescript man rushed in and told us there was a demon attacking the shrine. We just figured it was you, since this is a fanfic and you hadn't been introduced yet, so we headed over. But it turned out that it was a demon that wasn't you destroying the shrine.  
  
Zel: I see.  
  
Lina: Then the COOLEST thing happened! This guy in a cape and mask and hat swooped in and destroyed the demon!  
  
Zel: I see... Was it... Golemman?  
  
Lina: Yeah!  
  
Zel: *smiles* Golemman is a legend in this area. He searches out evil to destroy it.  
  
Lina: He's so dreamy!  
  
Zel: Quite.  
  
Lina: So, anyway. What're you doing around here, Zel? Have you seen Amelia? I figure she'll be showing up soon.  
  
Zel: I'm here on my way to the next town.  
  
Gourry: What a coincedence, so are we!  
  
Zel: I hear that there is a powerful mage in the next town. I am going to see if he has any advice or suggestions.  
  
Lina: Are you _still_ trying to change back to normal?! Jeez, when are you going to give up? Everyone likes you better as a chimera anyway.  
  
Zel: *looks offended* Well, I don't! I didn't ask for this horrendous body! I will not stop until I revoke this curse that Rezzo placed on me. *looks angsty*  
  
Lina: You're losing your touch, Zel.  
  
_Zel looks over at Lina, about to protest, but realizing she is teasing him. He snorts and waves his hand, and all the LinaxZel kiddies know that this was a LinaxZel moment._  
  
Zel: What the... Why are we having a moment?  
  
Lina: Because the author of this fic is pro-LinaxZel.  
  
Zel: Oh, great.  
  
Gourry: I guess I'll go in the other room.  
  
_Fade out. The next day, Lina, Zel and Gourry are back on the road. This road is one of the through-the-meadow roads though, just for a change of pace. The sky is... blue._  
  
Lina: So Zel, who's this mage person you heard of?  
  
Zel: Evidently he's an ex-member of some highly respected sorcerer organization that meets at the Tower of Fang. Or something like that. I guess he left the organization for some reason, and now he works as a mercenary. He's supposed to be quite powerful.  
  
Lina: Oh. Does he know anything about Golemman?  
  
Zel: No one knows anything about Golemman. Golemman is enigmatic. Say, Lina... you didn't tell me what you and Gourry were doing, heading in this direction.  
  
Gourry: We're heading to the next town.  
  
Lina: Yep. To the next town.  
  
Zel: ...I see. But... why?  
  
Gourry: That's what we do. We go to the next town.  
  
Lina: Yep.  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Lina: Look, when the world isn't being threatened by evil priests or monsters or... or darkworld overlords... we traveling mercenaries don't have much to do! I mean, we bust a bandit camp here, save a town there... but we don't really know what our next job is before we find it.  
  
Gourry: And I like to eat apples!  
  
Zel: Well, I can see not much has really changed with you two.  
  
Gourry: I also like oysters.[3]  
  
**COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!**  
  
[1] This is a reference to a Saturday Night Live sketch with Jeff Goldblum, in which Jeff is asked "If the moon was made of ribs, would you eat it?" and Jeff looks unsure. "It's a very simple question, Jeff."  
  
[2] Reference to Slayers dub episode 9, the Great Life or Death Gamble, where Zelgadis has an incredibly redundant line that goes something like, "If you join my enemy then you will become my enemy, and I must destroy my enemy."  
  
[3] Reference to a cut scene from _Ben-Hur_, where there is talk about the morality of eating oysters and snails, and.. and.. well, you have to see it to get it. It got cut for several good reasons. 


	2. Ep 1 Pt 2 This is a Terrible Beginning

ï»¿**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 1: "THIS IS A HORRIBLE BEGINNING" || Part 2_  
By Joey.  
  
_Last time in this bad fanfic, only a few important things that you need to know about happened: 1) Lina and Gourry met Golemman 2) They met Zelgadis soon after 3) Gourry likes oysters. Lina and Gourry have decided to accompany Zelgadis in his journey to the next town, where he seeks a mage who may have some clues at how to change his body back to normal._  
  
_SETTING. The next town is coming into view -- it is a quaint little village with a few fountains, storefronts on main street, happy villagers, etc. Our three heroes wander around through town, Lina and Gourry following Zel._  
  
Zel: I was told I could find him near the tavern.  
  
Lina: Taverns are dumb. They all look the same. I think anime art directors only use one set of backgrounds for taverns.  
  
_Zelgadis ignores Lina, and they continue on down the streets until they see what appears to be a.. well.. tavern._  
  
Gourry: Look, a tavern!  
  
_Zel looks seriously at Lina and Gourry, blocking the entrance so he can say something important before they enter._  
  
Zel: Now look, you two. It's imperative that you not mess this up for me. I would ask you to not even accompany me inside, but I know that that would result in even more trouble. So, I'm just going to request you both keep you mouths shut. Who knows what this mage is like.  
  
Lina: Sure thing, Zellaroo! We'll be good.  
  
Gourry: Yeah, you can trust us!  
  
_Zel looks doubtful, but knows there's nothing more he can do. He leads the way into the tavern. Inside, tavern-goers are doing tavern-y things. Zel searches the faces, looking for one that might suggest itself as the mage he seeks. There is a young man in the back, wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, a grey shirt, and a red bandanna. He's seated with a young woman with blond hair, and a younger boy who is also blond._  
  
Zel: There.  
  
_Lina and Gourry occupy themselves with finding things to eat, while Zelgadis approaches the table in the back._  
  
Zel: Are you Orphen?  
  
Mage: Who's asking?  
  
Zel: My name is Zelgadis. I heard from afar that you are a powerful mage. I was--  
  
Mage: Look, I don't deal with counter-spell stuff. Especially not on people I don't even really know.  
  
_Zelgadis looks angry/slightly discouraged. Lina walks over._  
  
Lina: Hey, are you guys done with plot stuff yet? I'm bored. And this isn't funny at all.  
  
Zel: Hush, Lina.  
  
Mage: Hey, aren't you Lina Inverse?  
  
_Lina looks impressed, and then full of herself._  
  
Lina: Why, yes I am! How did you know? Was it my powerful magic aura? Or my dashing charisma? Or was it this long, luxurious red hair..?  
  
Mage: It's the hair, sorta...  
  
Lina: I thought so! I spend hours washing and--  
  
Mage: And cuz you're short and flat-chested.  
  
Lina: --and... WHA?! HEY! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!  
  
Zel: *chagrined* I was wondering how long it would take for someone to do a Lina's-chest joke.  
  
_The mage stands up and puts his hands on his hips. His otherwise silent companions remain silent, though the boy looks embarrassed about the whole Lina's chest discussion._  
  
Orphen: Alright, I'll help you guys. One sorcerer for another, right? My name's Orphen.  
  
Lina: Lina Inverse! Though I guess you already know that.  
  
Orphen: And who's this guy?  
  
Lina: Oh, that's Zelgadis. And this is Gourry!  
  
Gourry: Hiya!  
  
Orphen: Nice to meet you guys. I'm Orphen. This is Cleo, and this is Majic.  
  
_Lina looks disturbed that Orphen has introduced himself twice, but no one else seems to notice. Cleo waves._  
  
Cleo: Hiya! So, I'm gonna guess you're looking for a way to look like a normal human being again, eh? *to Zelgadis*  
  
Zel: ?! How did you know?  
  
Cleo: *looks smug* Call it woman's intuition or something, I guess. Anyway, if anyone can help you, it'd be Orphen. He can do anything with magic.  
  
Gourry: Can he do... THIS?! *makes a silly, flailing arm movement and dances in a circle*  
  
Orphen: No. I can't do that.  
  
Gourry: I see. *smug*  
  
Orphen: Look, it's a little crowded in here. Let's go outside and talk.  
  
_Orphen leads the group to a park area, where they all sit in a nice circle. They are on a tall hill overlooking the village. Gourry still looks smug that he was able to do something that Orphen couldn't. Zelgadis appears to be missing, though no one seems to notice._  
  
Orphen: So, you say you need a spell to change you back into a human, huh? I think I might be able to help with that. I...  
  
Lina: Hey, where's Zelgadis?  
  
Gourry: I dunno. I thought you knew he'd disappeared.  
  
Cleo: You guys are weird! You can't keep a cohesive conversation going at all! I--  
  
Majic: What's THAT?!  
  
_Majic is pointing at a giant shadow that passes overhead. Well, the source of the shadow, we assume. A deafening noise accompanies the shadow, and a huge gust of wind nearly flattens our heroes._  
  
Orphen: It's a dragon!  
  
_Cue zoom out and music. A giant flying squirrel is terrorizing the village, making loud chittering noises and such_  
  
Majic: Another dragon?!  
  
Lina: You guys call _that_ a dragon? Where are its scales and wings and lizardy feet and stuff?!  
  
Orphen: It's the ancient god Zappy Dragon! Legend has it that long ago, when the gods were the only ones with control over magic, there was a dragon. That looked like that. Called Zappy Dragon.  
  
Majic: Your stories just get worse and worse, Master.  
  
Orphen: Shuttup! WHO'S the apprentice, again?!  
  
Majic: Sorry, sorry...  
  
Lina: Well, we should destroy it! It's destroying the village after all!  
  
Gourry: Is it evil?  
  
Lina: What?  
  
Orphen: Why ask a weird question like that now??  
  
Gourry: Well, if it's evil... You know. Where there is evil--  
  
Voice: THERE WILL BE GOLEMMAN!!  
  
_Cue heroic music. Golemman swoops in from a nearby tree, holding a giant lassoo in his hands. He runs down the hill and begins to swing the lassoo around. Lina looks starstruck; the others just watch in a sort of dull confusion. Golemman leaps into the air and lassoos Zappy Dragon around the neck. He slides down the rest of the hill, digging his heels in. Zappy Dragon shrieks with wrath!_  
  
Cleo: We should help!  
  
Orphen: No way! That's GOLEMMAN. I've heard stories! Back when the people of the world didn't know how to tie their shoelaces correctly--  
  
Majic: Oh brother.  
  
Orphen: Anyway, Golemman is supposed to be the strongest hero around! It's an honor for us to be able to watch him in action!  
  
Lina: OMG OMG WTF HE IS SO HOTTXOR LOLOL  
  
Majic: What the..?!  
  
_The group watches Golemman single-handedly defeat the dragon. Another large burst of smoke, and the semi-ruined village is left in mostly peace. The group on the hill breaks into applause. Golemman walks up the hill and approaches Cleo, who is beginning to look sort of like Lina, in a fangirl kind of way._  
  
Cleo: Wow! That was just fantastic, I mean, WOW!  
  
Golemman: *smiles* Anything for a pretty lady. That is the best reward.  
  
Lina: Hey, I thought you said you were married!  
  
_Golemman looks annoyed that Lina would interrupt as such an inopportune time. He kisses Cleo's hand and then takes a few steps back._  
  
Golemman: Never fear, gentle folk! Golemman has once again saved the day! And remember! Where there is evil, there will be... **_GOLEMMAN!!!_**  
  
_Golemman runs off and disappears into the brush. The group looks confused, except for Lina, who looks angry._  
  
Cleo: Well, that was weird.  
  
Lina: What a jerk! I thought he was really cool the first time I met him, but now I think he's just a.. a jerk!  
  
_Lina looks angry. Gourry chews a bite of his apple thoughtfully, and a calm breeze blows. A moment later, Zelgadis walks into the screen. Thud._  
  
Zel: Ow.  
  
_Zelgadis backs up and reorients, then walks onto the stage, as he should have done in the first place. He makes a mental note to kick Joey's ass for writing stupid things into the script. The others wait patiently until he has returned to the scene._  
  
Lina: Hey Zel, where _were_ you? You just missed Golemman!  
  
Zel: Uh.. I had to, uh, do something. *rubs his nose*  
  
Lina: Do something? Like what?  
  
Zel: Like.. none of your business.  
  
Lina: I see. Well, in any case, now that Golemman has saved the town, I guess we can work on changing you back to normal.  
  
Zel: Right. So, Orphen. What do you have planned?  
  
Orphen: *looks thoughtful* Well. You see. Back in the days when gods ruled the earth and played celestial parcheesi...  
  
Cleo: *clobbers Orphen* WILL YOU JUST GET ON WITH THE INFORMATION PART?! JEEZUS!  
  
Orphen: Aaaaaack! Alright, alright! Look, if you head south from here you'll find a forest. Most people don't enter the forest because they say it's filled with monsters -- monsters of every kind. However, there's a secret well somewhere within the forest, and they say that if you take a sip from the well, you are granted a wish.  
  
Lina: Heeeyy. I thought he was gonna cast a spell on you, not send us on some mad treasure hunt.  
  
Gourry: Maybe if we could convince Golemman that Zelgadis' body is evil, he would show up and rid him of it.  
  
Lina: That would probably mean he'd kill him.  
  
Zel: That wouldn't work, anyway.  
  
Lina: Why not?  
  
Zel: Because... Golemman... uh, is afraid of me. Yeah. So, Orphen, you're saying that you can't help me with your own spells?  
  
Orphen: Well, I probably could, but that would make this a really boring story. And anyway, it's hard to keep a tight script when there are so many characters running around.  
  
Tai: I think so too.  
  
Matt: I also think so.  
  
TK: I agree, and also I'm cute.  
  
Izzy: Something important and confusingly technical.  
  
Mimi: OMG  
  
Sora: Whatever...  
  
Orphen: See what I mean? Aaanyway. I'll see you guys around. Good luck with the well. C'mon Cleo, Majic.  
  
_The Slayers look distraught as Orphen leads his mini-entourage away. Zelgadis waits until Orphen is out of sight before falling over and doing his usual anger/whining thing._  
  
Zel: I should have known not even the famed Orphen would be able to help me! I must be cursed to live in this body forever!  
  
Lina: Aww, Zel. Look, why don't we go to that forest and look for the well? It's neary, and it's worth a shot, right?  
  
Gourry: But Lina... those never work. Like, ever.  
  
Zel: He's right. Every time we've gone after some shrine or secret well or anything, it never works. I'm doomed. *angst, angst, angst*  
  
Lina: What the hell, Zel? You're just gonna give up! *starts to pull Zelgadis to his feet* Come ON. Let's go to the forest. We don't have anything else to do, and maybe it'll help you start to feel better about yourself.  
  
Gourry: Self-steam is important. Trains wouldn't work without it.  
  
Lina: And, by the way, speaking of self-esteem... Why hasn't Amelia been introduced into this fanfic yet?! And.. why are you guys still here?! You proved your point, scat!  
  
_The Digidestined shrug and walk off-screen. Lina pushes Zel to his feet. He crosses his arms and looks generally angsty about the whole situation, as usual. Lina brushes him off and takes leaves out of his hair from when he was moping._  
  
Lina: There. Come on now. Let's go to that forest. You in, Gourry?  
  
Gourry: Sure, Lina! Anything for Zelgadis.  
  
_The group is silent a moment, while Lina and Zel pause to stare at Gourry. A tumbleweed blows by. This has been a yaoi slash moment, since all bad fanfics have to have them._  
  
Voice: You know, if you left for the forest at sunset, you might be more fortunate in your findings.  
  
Lina: Xellos!!  
  
Zel: Oh no...  
  
Xellos: Yes, it is I! Xellos, the mysterious priest! ...Who is really a monster, but, who cares about the details, right?  
  
Lina: Xellos, what do you know about this secret well?  
  
Xellos: Well? Well, I know about the well. Very well about the well, I know it well.  
  
Lina: ...I hate you.  
  
Xellos: The well in the Forest of Sacrament is said to be a well built by the gods of the forest themselves.   
  
Lina: Yeah yeah yeah. Get to the part we care about.  
  
Xellos: What? Oh. Well, the well--  
  
Lina: And STOP that!  
  
Xellos: Sorry. The well is like the Mage Orphen said. It supposedly grants wishes to those who manage to find it.  
  
Zel: How are we supposed to trust you, after all the times you've lead us wrong?  
  
Xellos: *looks innocent* When did I ever say you had to trust me?  
  
Zel: You only show up when you want something done for yourself. You've never helped at all in finding a cure for me. Why should I listen to you now?  
  
Xellos: Well, you see... there may be other motives in mind. For, recently, I caught the word on the wind that there's a young Seyruun princess being held captive at this particular well. You see... I hear, and this is just a rumor, that she was traveling through the forest on her way to the next town. Her party stopped to rest within the forest, and when the guards awoke, this young, short, black-haired, extremely cheerful and optimistic princess who you may or may not know, was gone! A letter remained, from the King of the Beasts of Sacrament, demanding that all villages within the area of the forest be destroyed, or he would kill this cute, white-and-pink wearing princess.  
  
_Gourry has fallen asleep, though Zelgadis and Lina look quite interested._  
  
Lina: You mean they're asking for all the villages in the area to be destroyed?  
  
Xellos: Yes... It seems that they have been destroying the forest in order to expand their town limits. Of course, the King of the Beasts of Sacrament is not so happy about this.  
  
Zel: Damn. She's always getting us into trouble.  
  
Lina: That stupid girl. Oh well, I guess we should go and save her. And, we can get you to that well to see if it's any good. Sorta killing two birds with one stone.  
  
Xellos: By the way, the princess the King kidnapped is Amelia.  
  
Zel ....  
  
Lina: ....  
  
Gourry: *snort, flail* They kidnapped Amelia?!  
  
Zel: ....*sigh*  
  
Lina: This is a horrible beginning to a fanfic. Oh well.... Let's go!  
  
_And so, our three heroes + one mysterious priest, head south towards the Forest of Sacrament. Many more terrible things lie ahead for them. One of them being Amelia Will Tessla Seyruun. But oh well, she's part of the cast and they should save her anyway. Even if she is annoying. So, stay tuned and don't miss the next episode: **"HELLO, I AM MARY JANE!"**_


	3. Ep 2 Pt 1 Hello, I am Mary Jane

ï»¿**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 2: "HELLO, I AM MARY JANE" || Part 1_  
By Joey Golemman  
  
_Last time, in Episode 1, a bunch of things happened. Yep. But I'm not going to recap, since that's the editor's job. And since I don't have an editor, no one will be doing it. Therefore, I just assume that since you are reading this, you've already read the instalments before, and I don't have to recap. Yes. That's just how it crumbles, cookie-wise. On with the story!_  
  
**Oh, by the way. This chapter and subsequent segments may (I don't know, I haven't written them yet) rely on a very large spoiler (well, you kinda knew it was gonna happen, but...) from Cowboy Bebop. Now, even though I've already spoiled a few things from the Slayers series, I kinda think that people might actually get upset with me for spoiling Cowboy Bebop. So, yeah. If you don't want the last episode and what happens in the last five minutes spoiled, don't read.**  
  
_SETTING. Lina, Gourry and Zelgadis are walking through a dark and ominous looking forest. They are trailed by Xellos, who is always watching them from behind. Because they are seasoned warriors, or something, none of them look very intimidated by the darkness of the forest._  
  
Lina: ...so, does that explain your question, Gourry?  
  
Gourry: I guess. So... in the _world_--  
  
Zel: We are trying to be quiet here. Will you guys please shut up.  
  
Lina: *sigh* Zel, shut up. We're in the middle of a forest. If we're attacked, it's not as if it's going to be hard to find a viable exit. Running away would be easy, if it comes to that.  
  
_Everyone seems to get the feeling something weird/stupid just happened with the script, but they can't put their finger on it. Zel sighs._  
  
Zel: That's not my point...  
  
Gourry: Man, it's dark. Why did we do this at night, again?  
  
Lina: Because Xellos said the monsters would be asleep. And so far, I hate to admit, it looks like he was right.  
  
Xellos: I'm offended you would consider me telling the truth a thing you would hate to admit, Lina. After all, I've never lead you to your death, right?  
  
Lina: Pssht. You've lead us into danger before.  
  
Xellos: But it was never anything you couldn't overcome, isn't that right?  
  
Lina: Hey, maybe for once you could help us out and lead us right to the well, huh?  
  
Xellos: I would... except I'm not quite sure exactly where it is myself, you see! It changes locations. This is a very enchanted forest, you know!  
  
Gourry: Would that explain why Zelgadis just disappeared again?  
  
_The group stops. Zel is, indeed, missing. Lina turns away, closes her eyes, and crosses her arms. She looks irritated and starts to walk forward, rubbing the bridge of her nose._  
  
Lina: Well, that's annoying. What the hell, anyway?! What's with him, and how he keeps disappearing! Hey, Xellos, you got any--  
  
_Lina pauses, then turns around. She seems to have lost Gourry and Xellos somewhere along the way. She turns to the camera and groans._  
  
Lina: I can't believe this....  
  
_ELSEWHERE..._  
  
Zel: Hm. Evidently this forest is more mysterious than even Xellos made it out to be. *looks around suspiciously* I hope the others will be alright. But who knows, with that monster around. This is probably his doing. I might as well try and find that stupid well. And why am I talking to myself?!  
  
_MORE ELSEWHERE..._  
  
Gourry: LINAAAAAA....! ZEEEEEEEEL....! Oh man! I hate episodes like these! I always get stuck wandering around doing nothing while other people get to do plot-y stuff! Agh. *slumps and sits down* I might as well just sit down and wait till the episode's over. Bleh.  
  
_Gourry sits next to a tree and looks really bored. Then his ears perk, as a rustling and chirping noise comes from the bushes. Gourry looks over suspiciously. The bushes rustle some more._  
  
Gourry: Hello? Who's there? *stands up* Lina, is that you?!  
  
_Gourry pulls the brush aside and blinks. There is a small, weird looking animal sitting on the understory. It looks like an oversized, extremely fat mouse. It's yellow, and has... well, forget the description. It's (a) Pikachu._  
  
Pikachu: Chuu?  
  
Gourry: Oh! Hey little guy! Do you know where my friends are?  
  
Pikachu: *cocks his head* Pika? Pikapi! *dashes away*  
  
Gourry: Hey! Wait up!!  
  
_Gourry goes chasing after Pikachu. Fade out._  
  
_BACK TO LINA..._  
  
Lina: Man, I didn't think it could get any darker. But it's getting kinda hard to see, with the tree cover blocking the moon and all... Agh. This is so stupid. I hope Amelia's alright. I hope she starts complaining soon too, then it'll be easier to find her... Stupid Amelia. Stupid Xellos, I bet he knew this would--AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
  
_Lina falls into a pitfall. Luckily there don't seem to be spikes at the bottom. Lina stands up and brushes herself off, looking supremely annoyed._  
  
Lina: HEY! That's not playing fair! LEVITATION!  
  
_Lina flies out of the pit and stands at the edge, looking around. She finds that she is surrounded by dark figures weilding scythes._  
  
Lina: Heheh. What now?  
  
Dark Figure No. 1: A sorceress, eh? That won't help you! Surrender, or prepare to die!  
  
Lina: Won't help me?! I'm Lina Inverse! I could destroy this whole stupid forest with the flick of my wrist! You guys are all cowards, if all you do is just wait around for people to fall in your plot--er, pitfalls. Damnit. Pitfalls, plotholes. How was that supposed to work? It could have been really clever--HEY!  
  
_One of the figures has grabbed Lina's arms. Another steps forward, hand glowing a neon green_  
  
Dark Figure No. 2: Why don't you take a nap, eh Miss Inverse?  
  
_Fade out. When the camera fades back in, Lina is in a jail cell._  
  
Guard: And don't even try to blast your way out with magic, this whole place is magic-guarded. No spells work!  
  
Lina: Oh yeah? We'll just see! _...East winds that have you as their source..._  
  
Voice: Don't try it, I already have. It's a waste of energy.  
  
Lina: What the?  
  
Guard: Har har har har! You two will make good cell-mates! Hahar! *wanders away aimlessly*  
  
_Lina looks into the shadows near the back of the cell, where a familiar form is seated._  
  
Lina: Golemman!  
  
Golemman: Yes, it is I... Golemman.  
  
Lina: Were you captured too?  
  
Golemman: Isn't that kind of obvious?  
  
Lina: Oh. Right. Well... *sits down* I guess my real question was, how'd they get you?  
  
Golemman: The same way they got you, I assume. The Beast King is a powerful sorcerer. He has to be, I suppose, to rule this entire forest.  
  
Lina: Huh. Well, I think you deserve to have gotten caught! You were such a jerk to me the last two times I met you! You deserve to rot in a nasty dungeon like this. When my friends come to rescue me, I'll make sure that you stay right where you are. *crosses her arms*  
  
Golemman: *softly* I'm sorry, Lina. I didn't mean to be that way to you. I just... had to uphold my superhero-ish facade in public, you know?  
  
Lina: Hmph. That's just--hey, how do you know my name?  
  
Golemman: *sweatdrops* Well, I, uh...  
  
Lina: *squints* Do I know you? Now that y'mention it, you _are_ kind of familiar...  
  
Golemman: Me? Familiar? No! I don't know why I would seem familiar...  
  
_Lina walks towards Golemman, who tries to get away from her, but is cornered._  
  
Lina: Just WHO'S behind that mask, anyway?!  
  
_Lina grabs, but misses as Golemman stands up abruptly. Lina instead has her dive intercepted by his chest, which makes a metallic noise as she slams into it. Lina falls over backwards, rubbing her face._  
  
Lina: Damnit, what, are you made of rock or something?  
  
Golemman: Yeah, that's why they call me Golemman.  
  
Lina: *arches a brow, squints, then starts laughing* So it IS you, Zel! AHAHAHAHA. I can't believe I didn't realize it earlier!!  
  
Golemman: Heheh. (sweatdrop)  
  
Lina: Ok, ok, fine, you can keep your fancy mask on. Sheesh. Have you seen Gourry, or Xellos? I hope they weren't captured, too...  
  
Golemman: I haven't seen them.  
  
_The screen backs up, through the wall. In the adjacent cell, Zelgadis groans and sits up. He seems to have been unconscious for some time now, and rubs his forehead. He looks around the cell and tries a simple light spell, but his magic doesn't appear to work. He slumps against the wall, looking annoyed at having been captured. Lina's voice comes through the wall, and Zel's ears perk. Cue extremely cliche scene of emotional exposé._  
  
Lina: I can't believe I thought you were so sexy as Golemman! Black looks good on you, but--Hahah, you're _Zelgadis_. Hah! That's kinda funny, to think I even _liked_ you!  
  
_Zel looks troubled, says nothing to announce his presence._  
  
Lina: Not that I don't like you now, you're a good friend. But--Hahah! No, nevermind. That's mean.  
  
Golemman: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the feelings... aren't mutual. I've...  
  
_(Screen goes back to Lina and Golemman)_  
  
Golemman: ...I've always sort of liked you, Lina. I mean... I guess now is a bad time to say it, but... After all these years of traveling with you, I might... I think I might even _love you_...  
  
Lina: ...!! I... I don't know what to say! You're pulling my leg, right? C'mon, Zel, tell me you're joking!  
  
_Lina starts babbling to cover her embarrassment. Screen goes back to Zelgadis, who looks more troubled than before._  
  
Zel: *thinking* .oO(I have a bad feeling about this. Golemman is using my identity to get close to Lina... what is Golemman's real motive? What is his real identity!? Perhaps I had better stay quiet in order to learn more... but...)  
  
Golemman: I'm not joking with you, Lina. I love you. I want you. [1]  
  
Lina: ....Zel, I dunno what to tell you...  
  
_Lina, Golemman and Zelgadis all look up as two guards walk in. They head down the corridor and open a cell down the hall. They reach in and grab the captive, and drag him, kicking and screaming, out of the dungeon. That is, the captive is kicking and screaming. The guards don't drag him while also kicking and screaming, that seems a little counter-productive._  
  
Joe: NOOOOOOOOO, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!  
  
Guard: Shaaddduppp!  
  
Joe: *wails*  
  
_The minor disturbance fades away. Lina shrugs, Golemman looks confused._  
  
Golemman: We should find a way out of this dungeon, or our fates may be like his.  
  
Lina: Right. Let's get thinking.  
  
_Fade out. Scene change to Gourry, who is sitting in a clearing in the middle of the woods. The pikachu he followed hops up on a stump. There are rustlings all around, and suddenly Gourry finds himself surrounded by Pikachu._  
  
Pikachu No. 1: Pika! Pikapi, chu!  
  
Gourry: What? I don't understand what you're saying.  
  
Pikachu No. 1: *talks slower* Pi-ka. Pi-ka-pi. Chu.  
  
Gourry: Ohhh. You all are the rebels of the forest, and you need my help to overtake the evil Beast King!  
  
Pikachu No. 2: Chu! Pikachu!  
  
Gourry: And he's captured your leader? That's horrible!  
  
Pikachu No. 1: *nods solemnly* Pikapipika. Pikachu pipichu pika!  
  
[Subtitles: Yes. You see, our master was once the King of the Forest, but his throne was usurped by the malicious Beast King. All the Beast King wants is to expand the forest, and he needs to destroy the nearby human villages to do that. He has even captured a human princess to hold as ransom for his horrible wishes. We have all the forest we need! If our master was reinstated as King, all that would need to be done would be to stop the logging of our forest!]  
  
Gourry: *stands up and looks heroic* Well, I'll help you! After all, the princess you're talking about is my friend Amelia! And, I bet if I keep trying to help Amelia, I'll eventually run into Lina and Zelgadis again!  
  
_The Pikachu cheer and start doing a Pikachu chant and dance, as per the International Canon of Pikachu Law, Section 2, Part 4, Paragraph 232: Pikachu pika pipika chu pika. "When something good happens, all the Pikachu involved shall chant and also they shall do dances that make no sense."_  
  
_MEANWHILE (ELSEWHERE)..._  
  
_Amelia is seated in a giant throne room, looking really bored. She kinda fiddles her fingers and looks around, then starts picking at the arm of the chair she's sitting in, then scuffs her feet on the carpet, etc. The doors on the far end slam open, and she looks up, startled. Then she gets the Righteous Amelia Expression (tm) and stands._  
  
Amelia: Fiend! Have you come to release me?!  
  
_Across the room, a darkly clad, silver-haired man walks in. It's Vicious from Cowboy Bebop. SEE? SPOILERS?! HE'S DEAD! HE DIED AT THE END OF THE SERIES! OMG OMG OMG WTF?!?!?!/////slash HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! (Spike: No he's not!) Mmm, Shasta, it's for me! [2]_  
  
Vicious: No, of course I haven't. You'll only be released if your father orders the military enforcement that I have requested.  
  
Amelia: My father would never order his army of justice to destroy helpless villages! You're a megalomaniacal FIEND!  
  
_Vicious sits in the throne. His bird makes an evil bird noise. He, too, has been brought back to life for the purposes of this very bad fanfic. He being the bird. Which we assume is male. For some reason. I don't know. Maybe it's a girl. Does it really matter? Sheesh. Fanfic readers._  
  
Vicious: Could you find a synonym or something for the word "fiend?" I'm getting tired of you using it in every sentence.  
  
Amelia: ONLY A FIEND WOULD ASK FOR A PRINCESS TO USE A THESAURUS!!! *runs about wildly*  
  
Vicious: Ugh. I had to kidnap _her_, of all princesses... *slumps in his throne and leans on his hand.*  
  
_(cutscene)_  
  
Golemman: HELLO, I AM MARY JANE!!!  
  
_(/cutscene)_  
  
_Fade out._  
  
**_COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!!!_**  
  
Don't go away! Stay tuned! Because the next instalment is probably going to be the last one! And you wouldn't want to miss the TWIST ENDING!! Right?!  
  
**[1] Reference to Great Teacher Onizuka, episode... uhhh... I don't know, one of the last ones. Where Anko has the dream about Yoshikawa. Yup.  
  
[2] Okay, I really don't even feeling like explaining this reference, since I don't expect ANYONE to get it. If you think you get it and you're not a close friend of mine who's watched old family videos, or one of my cousins... I promise. You don't get it.**


	4. Ep 2 Pt 2 Hello, I am Mary Jane

ï»¿**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 2: "HELLO, I AM MARY JANE!" || Part 2_  
By Joey  
  
_Recap: See previous instalment._  
  
_SETTING. Lina seems to have come up with an ingenius plot to escape from the jail cell that she shares with Golemman. It's deep in the night now. Lina has taken off her cape._  
  
Lina: This is the best plan I've ever come up with! Completely original.  
  
_Lina undoes her shirt a bit and puts on a sultry, slutty look. Golemman looks doubtful, and keeps seated in his corner of the cell._  
  
Lina: There, how do I look?  
  
Golemman: *blushes (yeah, you can see it through the mask)* ...You look... uh, interesting.  
  
Lina: Interesting, huh? Well, good enough. Alright, now to put my master plan in action! *throws herself on the cell floor* OH. OW. YOU ARE SO MEAN TO ME, GOLEMMAN! HOW DARE YOU STRIKE A WOMAN!!  
  
Golemman: !!! What the?!  
  
_A guard comes walking in, looking sorta-kinda alarmed, but not really._  
  
Guard: Hey! Be nice in there.  
  
Lina: Oh, in all this violence, somehow my shirt has come undone! Oh, I am in pain! Stop it, Golemman, stop! *rolls around*  
  
Golemman: *blushes more* Uh...  
  
Guard: What did you DO to her?  
  
Golemman: *reaches over with his foot and halfheartedly kicks Lina, kind of* You... horrible sorceress. How I loath you. *prods again*  
  
Lina: OW! IT HURTS! MAKE HIM STOP!!!  
  
_The guard, seeming confused (perhaps by Lina's weird combination of cell-busting strategies), unlocks the cell. This proves to be a fatal mistake. Lina jumps up and grabs his collar through the bars, them pulls him forward so he slams into the metal. Unconscious, he falls to the floor. Lina reaches through the bars and gets the keys, then unlocks the gate. Nevermind the fact she probably could have just waited for the guard to open the gate in the first place. Lina re-dresses and opens the door._  
  
Lina: Pretty sneaky, huh?  
  
Golemman: ....  
  
Lina: Let's get out of here. We have to go save Amelia! *grabs Golemman's arm and dashes away*  
  
Zelgadis: F...ah'cryin' out loud... T_T;;  
  
_Lina and Golemman sneak through some halls. They pause to rest outside the building perimeter._  
  
Golemman: That large building ahead is the throne hall. We should be able to find the Beast King there.  
  
Lina: How do you know all this, Zel? I thought you didn't know anything about this forest or anything.  
  
Golemman: Uh... I overheard it. From the guards. Before you were captured.  
  
Lina: Oh, I see.  
  
Golemman: And.. Lina. About what I said earlier... I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just had to express my feelings to you, finally.  
  
Lina: Uh.. heh. It's okay Zel. Look, let's pay attention to the matters at hand, huh?  
  
Golemman: Er, right. Sorry.  
  
Lina: So. Amelia wasn't being held in the dungeon, she's the hostage of honor. So she's probably in the throne hall with the King. At least, if I was King, that's what I'd do! I'd also throw away.. something something.. and make.. uh, nevermind. Anyway. What do you think?  
  
Golemman: I think it would be a good start to check the throne room for Amelia. The--  
  
_Lina and Golemman look up as Amelia's yelling and complaining is heard distantly from the throne hall. Lina sighs._  
  
Lina: Well, I guess that answers our question... Let's go.  
  
_Lina and Golemman do the regular sneaky thing towards the throne hall. They find a good spot to peer in through the windows. Vicious is seated in the throne, trying to ignore Amelia by reading a book. Amelia is giving a speech about the immorality of kidnapping. Vicious sighs and turns the page in his book._  
  
Lina: At least she's not dead, I guess. But man, can she rant.  
  
Golemman: Yes. She seems quite... passionate about justice.  
  
Lina: You got that right. Okay. Let's put together some sort of a plan. Do you think that this building is also magic-proof?  
  
Golemman: Likely not. The Beast King needs his magic to enforce his rule; to make the building where he finds himself most often magic-resistant seems slightly ill at strategy.  
  
Lina: Alright. So, then our plan is to just bust in and throw around some spells! You can nail him with Ra Tilt, and I'll do a couple fireballs, we nab Amelia, and we're out. Then we'll just need to find Gourry...  
  
Golemman: The Beast King is a quite formidable sorcerer, Lina... I'm not sure that your plan will suffice for his defeat.  
  
Lina: Oh, shut up! Anyway, if things get bad I can just use Dragon Slave. That always works.  
  
Golemman: *sigh* I see cannot dissuade you. Let's give it our best.  
  
Lina: That's the spirit! *smacks Golemman on the shoulder*  
  
Golemman: Shall we use the front doors? It seems like an appropriate entrance.  
  
_Scene change to inside the throne room. Vicious groans._  
  
Vicious: Do you ever _shut up??_  
  
Amelia: No.  
  
Vicious: Dah.  
  
Amelia: *resumes her tyrade* ANYWAY, like I was SAYING! There is a clear line between injustice and justice, and you sir, are WAY past the line! I cannot even bear to be in the same room as you! I can feel your horribly malicious aura! It makes me SICK! SICK I SAY! NOW BEND TO THE RIGHTEOUS HAMMER OF JUSTICE AND LET ME GO!!! IF YOU DO NOT IT WILL SMASH YOU ANYWAY.   
  
Vicious: ....You know what, I've had it. Forget the ransom, I'm--  
  
_Vicious' resolve is interrupted as the doors to the throne room slam open. Cue heroic music. Two figures (Lina and Golemman, in case you haven't been paying attention) walk in. As the light falls across them, revealing their identities, they stop walking. Lina strikes a pose and points._  
  
Lina: Let the princess go, jerk! LINA INVERSE IS HERE!  
  
Amelia: MISS LINA!!!  
  
_Vicious stands and the music goes somewhat ominous. He takes a step forward and puts his hand on his sword._  
  
Vicious: So. You're Lina Inverse. And who's your friend? ...Ah. So. We meet again, old friend.  
  
Lina: ZUH?! You KNOW this guy?!  
  
_Golemman gets a determined look on his face and takes a step forward, ignoring Lina._  
  
Golemman: Don't call me friend, you traitor. I've come back to reclaim what is rightfully mine! Now, if you don't surrender, we'll be forced the pleasure of defeating you.  
  
Amelia: Could it be?! *starry eyes* The legendary mysterious hero and destroyer of evil, GOLEMMAN?!  
  
Golemman: Yes, it is I. Golemman. And there is definitely evil here to be destroyed. Now! Drop your weapon, Beast King!  
  
Vicious: Hmph. I don't need my weapon to take care of the two of you. A simple spell should do the trick.  
  
_Vicious holds out a hand and a giant globe of gold energy hums to life. Lina and Golemman jump to the side to avoid a giant explosion as the energy orb flies towards them and crashes into the floor. Lina is thrown against a wall, while Golemman skids along the floor, then rolls to his feet._  
  
Golemman: ENOUGH!  
  
_Golemman draws his sword and charges Vicious. Meanwhile, Lina is chanting a spell. Amelia stands in confusion, not quite knowing what she should do._  
  
Golemman: YAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Vicious: Hmph.  
  
_Vicious draws his sword, and he and Golemman are locked in a bind._  
  
Golemman: You're quite a skilled swordsman, I'll give you that! [1] But now, prepare to die!  
  
Vicious: You're not so bad yourself. But I took this throne by force, and by that force I shall remain on it!  
  
Lina: FIREBALL!!  
  
_A giant fireball shoots towards Golemman and Vicious, and they break away to avoid it. In the smoke, Golemman coughs. He looks up just in time to see Vicious come down on him with his sword! OH NO!!_  
  
Amelia & Lina: GOLEMMAN, LOOK OUT!  
  
_There is a slash, and the screen flashes white. The sound of ripping fabric accompanies a few shreds of cloth as Golemman's mask and hat are cut in half. A second later, sound and time resume. Golemman spins and hits the floor face-first. Thud. His face is hidden. Blood splatters on the floor._  
  
Lina: But I thought he was made of stone! How...?!  
  
Vicious: Heh. Don't you think I would know my adversary's strong points? I've enchanted this sword to cut through anything -- including the rock skin of Golemman. Isn't that right? Not used to the wound of a cut, eh Golemman?  
  
_Golemman doesn't seem to be able to speak. Perhaps he is dead._  
  
Vicious: And now, for the two of you...  
  
_Camera orients on Lina. She looks horrified, shocked, DOUBLE SHOCKED!! Memories and scenes between her and Zelgadis flash in the background._  
  
Lina: ....Zel....  
  
_Vicious strides forward, preparing to cut Lina down._  
  
Vicious: What's that look on your face, Miss Inverse? Perhaps, did you have feelings for Golemman? I'm terribly sorry. But, what must be done must be done. And I've many thigns to do in very little time.  
  
_Lina snaps out of her flashback timewarp, and narrows her eyes._  
  
Lina: You..hurt..my..friend! OH, YOU ARE SO DEAD!  
  
_Lina rolls up her sleeves and starts casting Dragon Slave. Vicious doesn't seem to care, and continues walking forward. The music gets more and more tense. What will happen?! OMG!!! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!_  
  
Amelia: HAMMER OF JUSTICE!  
  
_A giant hammer comes crashing down and crushes Vicious. Lina looks shocked, and drops her spell casting. Amelia, with the giant hammer resting on her shoulder (defying gravity, no doubt), stands with one foot on Vicious' head._  
  
Amelia: Justice prevails once more! By smashing down on the unsuspecting villain while he was distracted! That is true vengeance!!!  
  
Lina: Amelia.. wow.  
  
_Amelia beams. Lina remembers Golemman._  
  
Lina: Golemman!  
  
_Lina rushes over to Golemman. He has pulled himself into a crouch, covering his face with his hands. Blood and torn fabric are matted against his features. He coughs pitifully._  
  
Lina: Oh, Zel!! Are you alright?!  
  
Golemman: *coughs* I'm not sure...  
  
_Cue touching music._  
  
Lina: Don't die! You can't die! Look, it was just some stupid enchanted sword! ZEL!!  
  
Golemman: Lina... it's getting dark...  
  
_Cutscene to Amelia, watching Lina and Golemman. A dark shadow rises behind her -- Vicious is still alive! Amelia notices too late, and her cry of warning is muffled as Vicious knocks her aside. Lina is too distracted by Golemman to notice. Vicious strides forward._  
  
Lina: No!! No, you can't die!!  
  
Golemman: Don't forget... that I... love you..!  
  
Lina: NO!!! YOU CAN'T DIE CUZ I LOVE YOU TOO!!!  
  
_Swell of music._  
  
Golemman: Lina...  
  
_Golemman gestures for her to come closer._  
  
Lina: What? *starting to cry* What is it?!  
  
Golemman: You.. have really... sucky timing...  
  
_Lina starts crying and shaking him_  
  
Lina: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DIE NOW WHEN I FINALLY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!!! WAAHH  
  
Golemman: I'm fading fast now... Lina... would you...  
  
Lina: Anything!!  
  
Golemman: One.. last.. kiss...  
  
Lina: Oh, Zel...  
  
_Lina wipes away her tears and leans in to kiss Golemman. Nevermind that his face is covered in blood. It's ok. It's just theatrical blood anyway. They kiss. Lina leans back._  
  
Golemman: Goodbye... Lina...  
  
Lina: No! Zelgadis! I LOVE YOUUU!!!  
  
_Golemman goes faint. Lina suddenly gets a bad feeling and turns in time to see Vicious bringing his sword down! OH NO!!!_  
  
Vicious: DIE!!!  
  
_There's a loud cutting noise. Vicious falls over. Lina holds her breath in shock. Standing behind the fallen Vicious is a familiar figure. The backlighting fades, and we can all see that it's Zelgadis._  
  
Lina: .....ZEL?!?!  
  
Zelgadis: How did I get out of my cell? I just did. I escaped somehow. I don't want to talk about it.  
  
Lina: *tries again, ignoring what Zel just said since it makes no sense* ...ZELGADIS?!?!  
  
_Zelgadis sheaths his sword. Lina looks dumbfounded._  
  
Zel:Did I just hear you say... "Zelgadis, I love you"?!  
  
Lina: I... but.. you're dead, you....  
  
_Lina looks down at Golemman. He's still breathing. Tentatively, she pulls back the torn mask and wipes his face off. He seems to be a rather bishounen young man who is very much not Zelgadis. He has gray wolf ears and a wolven tail._  
  
Lina: YOU--!! YOU'RE NOT ZELGADIS!! *jumps up and looks offended*  
  
_Golemman opens one eye, then cracks a smile. He sits up, seeming to a) not be dead and b) not really be wounded at all._  
  
Lina: IMPOSTER!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE-- AND I SAID-- OH MY GOD!!!!  
  
Golemman: Teehee.  
  
_Golemman stands up and washes his face off with his cape. Tossing the cape, mask and hat aside, we are presented with Golemman's true identity. He bows._  
  
Joey: Well, sorry about that, Lina. My real name's Joey. I'm the author... er... I'm _based_ on the author.. of this fanfiction! Isn't that funny? You thought I was Zelgadis, but I'm really just a normal person who kinda likes you!  
  
_Lina doesn't find this funny at all._  
  
Lina: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond--  
  
Joey: Hey hey, no need for that! Look, we don't have much time before the Beast King's followers get here, and then we're really gonna be in trouble. Don't forget your friend Amelia over there, who's kinda unconscious!  
  
_Zel makes Lina put her hands down and then covers her mouth so she can't cast the spell. Lina is furious and struggles._  
  
Zel: Lina, he's right.. we need to--  
  
Lina: LET ME AT 'EM!! HE TRICKED ME INTO KISSING HIM!! HE'S NOT EVEN HURT!!!  
  
Joey: Well... *rubs his fingernails on his shirt* I knew that Vicious would try to cut me with the magical sword, so I put a magic defense on myself! Pretty clever, huh?  
  
Lina: AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Zel: Come ON, Lina, we need to get out of here before---Oh, damnit.  
  
Joey: Zargh. Too late.  
  
_The three (plus one unconscious Amelia) find themselves suddenly surrounded by angry Vicious-lackeys. The leader of the bunch storms in, standing over Vicious' body._  
  
Lackey: MASTER!!! *looks up* WHO DID THIS?  
  
_Joey, Zelgadis, and Lina all point at each other._  
  
Lackey: ...!!! AFTER THEM, KILL THEM!!  
  
_Another battle ensues. Joey, Zelgadis and Lina do well at first, but then it seems that the opponents just won't stop coming!!_  
  
Zel: Damn, too many!  
  
Lina: Way too many! [2]  
  
Joey: Gah! How could this happen? YOU TRAITORS! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK YOUR RIGHTFUL LEADER!  
  
Random Lackey: Leader?! Vicious was our leader! He rightfully usurped your throne, Forest King!  
  
Joey: GRR!!  
  
_The three heroes continue to fight, but they steadily lose ground. Finally, the three of them are completely surrounded, back to back, in the center of the room._  
  
Lina: Got any great ideas NOW, "Golemman"??  
  
Joey: I'm hurt by your lack of faith in me.  
  
Zel: So? Ideas?  
  
Joey: *shrug* I got nothin'.  
  
Lackey: Alright, _King_. We'll really kill you this time!  
  
_There seems to be very little hope. However, (suddenly, since all things in anime happen suddenly), a giant bolt of electricity shoots in through the window and explodes the floor. Four lackeys go flying._  
  
Lina: Zuh?!  
  
Joey: PIKACHU!!!  
  
Lina: ...DOUBLE ZUH?!?!?!  
  
_Joey holds out his hand, seeming to understand what's going on._  
  
Joey: PIKACHU, I CHOSE YOU!! THUNDERBOLT ATTACK!!!  
  
_The collective voices of dozens of Pikachu do the really loud "I'm attacking with thunderbolt now"..._  
  
Pikachu: PIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......  
  
Joey: Everyone down!  
  
Pikachu: CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
_(giant explosion)_  
  
_Fade out. Fade back in. Lina pulls herself to a seated position. Beside her, Joey and Zelgadis do the same. They are seated in a giant pile of rubble. Unconscious lackeys are lying around. None are moving. Amelia, across the (destroyed) room, pulls herself up._  
  
Amelia: Oh man! What did I miss?  
  
Lina: I'm not really sure.. What the...?  
  
_Lina notices that perched all around are Pikachu of different sizes. There are footsteps._  
  
Gourry: Lina!! Lina, Zel, are you alright?!  
  
Lina: ...Gourry!  
  
_Gourry skids to a halt next to Lina._  
  
Gourry: Look what I found! All these cute Pikachu are followers of the _real_ Forest King!  
  
Lina: The real.. Forest.. King?  
  
_Joey stands up and brushes himself off. One of the Pikachu jumps on and sits on his shoulder._  
  
Joey: Thanks, Antonio. We were in a real tight spot!  
  
Pikachu: Pichu!  
  
Joey: Yeah, I'm fine. A little hungry, I guess. But not too bad.  
  
Lina: You're the.. Forest King?  
  
Joey: *nods* Yep. Did I forget to mention that? Vicious started a mutiny a while ago. See, he thought that the forest should be expanded, but I disagreed. That would involve destroying human villages in the surrounding area, and that's just not nice. So, yep. Mutiny. Now it looks like I have a good start for taking over again though, huh?  
  
Antonion: Pika!  
  
Amelia: How courageous! How righteous!  
  
Lina: Huh! Hm. I still can't forgive you for tricking me!  
  
Joey: I'm sorry. But can you blame a guy for trying? *grins*  
  
Lina: Ha ha ha. Ha. I guess not.  
  
_Gourry, Lina, Joey, Amelia, and Antonio the Pikachu enjoy a good laugh. The sun is starting to come up, and Zelgadis sighs. Without saying a word, he rises to his feet and walks off._  
  
Lina: Eh? Zel, where are you going!  
  
Joey: Oh...  
  
_Lina goes to follow Zel. Amelia and Gourry start to follow as well, but Joey holds them back._  
  
Joey: They need... alone time. *grins*  
  
Gourry: How do you know?  
  
Joey: I'm writing this stupid fanfic!  
  
_Lina catches up with Zel after he is some ways into the forest that surrounds the encampment. He walks with paced determination (angst)_  
  
Lina: I hate it when you do that! You bastard. Always gotta do it alone, eh? Well, it pisses me off!  
  
Zel: Hmph.  
  
Lina: Well, anyway. What are you doing?  
  
_Zel says nothing, and simply looks ahead. Lina looks up and sees their destination: a rather abandoned looking stone well in a clearing._  
  
Lina: Oh!! You found it!  
  
_The two heroes (?) stand near the well, looking in. Zelgadis sighs._  
  
Zel: Here goes.  
  
_Zel drops the bucket into the well. It splashes somewhere far below. He starts to turn the crank to reel it up again. Lina stands by quietly to watch. Once Zel has retrieved the bucket, he pauses._  
  
Zel: Hey. Lina.  
  
Lina: Yeah?  
  
Zel: You said some pretty outrageous things back there.  
  
Lina: *blushes red* Uh...  
  
Zel: Are any of them true?  
  
Lina: WHY WOULD YOU ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!  
  
Zel: *sweatdrop* I was just wondering. Damn.  
  
Lina: ...Well.... I dunno.... I guess I just...  
  
Zel: So we're in agreement.  
  
Lina: ?! What?  
  
Zel: Nothing. I guess. Here goes nothing.  
  
_Zel takes the ladel that is in the bucket, and takes a sip. The two wait a moment, but nothing happens._  
  
Zel: ....  
  
Lina: Gah. Looks like we've been had again.  
  
_Zel sighs. A hand reaches over his shoulder and rummages around in the bucket. It pulls out a ballpoint pen._  
  
Xellos: I just knew I could count on you guys to get this back for me! Ah.  
  
Lina: ...XELLOS?!  
  
Xellos: *wipes the pen off on his shirt* I was doing some nature sketches by this well and I accidentally dropped my pen in! Thanks very much!  
  
Lina: ...  
  
Xellos: What? What are you two giving me those weird looks for?  
  
Zel: *anger* I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, MONSTER!!!  
  
Xellos: I guess I better go, huh?  
  
Zel: FLARE ARROW!!!  
  
_Xellos dashes off into the forest, with Zelgadis in hot pursuit (hahah.) Lina smacks her forehead._   
  
Lina: Shoulda known....  
  
_Fade out. Fading back in, the group (sans Lina) is sitting around a campfire in the early morning. Joey is passing out marshmallows while Amelia chats at him animatedly. Zelgadis, crossing his arms and looking angrily victorious, is seated next to a singed and bandaged Xellos. The group looks up as Lina walks over. She wipes her mouth, as if she'd just taken a drink._  
  
Gourry: Where were you Lina? We were starting to get worried.  
  
Lina: Oh.. just taking care of some business.  
  
Zel: Business? Like what?  
  
Lina: Like, none of your business!! *thwack*  
  
Zel: Hey, that hurt! T_T;;  
  
Lina: *cringes* It hurt me too...  
  
_End episode music and fade out. After a moment, fade back in._  
  
Lina: Hey, we didn't wrap up some plot elements.  
  
Joey: Zuh?  
  
Lina: Like why are you called Golemman when you're a wolf?  
  
Joey: Because I'm also part golem. It's a reference to Pokémon. Since my followers are Pikachu.  
  
Lina: Ah.  
  
Amelia: Speaking of unfinished plot elements, what WERE you doing out in the forest?  
  
Gourry: Drinking something? You were drinking something, weren't you.  
  
Lina: Shut up, you guys don't get to ask questions about plot holes!  
  
Gourry: I bet you were drinking from that well.  
  
Amelia: And wishing for something.  
  
Lina: SHUT UP!!!!  
  
_The group shies away from Lina and hurriedly gets back to eating/doing things that won't infuriate her._  
  
Lina: Ahem. That's better. Now. Zelgadis, why the hell did you keep disappearing when Golemman showed up, even though you weren't the same person?  
  
Zel: I had stuff to do. I have a part-time job you know. And anyway. Golemman IS afraid of me.  
  
Joey: I am not!!   
  
Zel: Are too! How come you always run off whenever I show up again?!  
  
Joey: Because--!! Because....  
  
Zel: Or was it because you just wanted Lina to think that you were me?  
  
Amelia: So you could get close to her?  
  
Joey: Heheheh.  
  
Lina: ALL THAT?! ALL THAT WAS PART OF YOUR TRICK TO KISS ME?!?!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!! DARKNESS BEYOND TWILIGHT, CRIMSON BEYOND BLOOD THAT FLOWS---  
  
Joey: I think now is a good time to fade out and end this fanfic.  
  
Zel: You asked for it....  
  
_Cheerful end-episode comedy ending music and fade out._  
  
**[1] Reference to the fact that I crack up lauging every time Zelgadis says that. Which is a lot.  
  
[2] Reference to a fandub line making fun of the fact that Lina says "Too many!" in the dub episode 7 when it's totally weird sounding.**  
  
Don't miss the next exciting episode, **"LIFE IS A GAME! I MEAN A RACE! LIFE IS A RACE."**


	5. Ep 3 Pt 1 Life is a game! I mean a race ...

**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 3: "LIFE IS LIKE A GAME. I MEAN A RACE. LIFE IS LIKE A RACE." || Part 1_  
by Golemman  
  
The last two episodes of TBWFE can be found here (Episode 1) and here (Episode 2). Reminder that there are vague type spoilers for the Slayers series. Episode 3 also contains spoilers for the awesome series **Fruits Basket**. Also beware random attacks of crossover characters. It happens.  
  
_LAST TIME ON TBWFE_: Our horrible little miniseries of horrible fanficdom began with the amazingly wowish reconnection of our four favorite Slayers; Lina, the flat chested, Gourry, the dim bulb, Zelgadis, THE ROCK (WWF music surge), and Amelia.... annoying ranty princess with big hammer. In an adventure that brought them to an enchanted forest, they saved a bunch of people and helped a dethroned king/super hero regain his place as rightful King of the Forest. Oh yeah, and Gourry likes oysters.  
  
VOICE OVER NARRATION (Golemman) as we see the Slayers saying goodbye to Joey/Golemman: So, I guess I'll see you guys around!  
  
Lina: Sure thing...  
  
Amelia: It sure was nice to meet you, Golemman!! You're my hero!  
  
Joey: And Zel, don't forget about the Mystic Idol I told you about, ne? Maybe it will help you score with Lina--I mean, regain your natural humanform.  
  
Zel: Right. *inner monologue: I really do hope I can score with Li--er, regain my natural humanform!*  
  
Lina: Were you just thinking something just now, Zel?  
  
Zel: What? No!  
  
Lina: Oh, okay.  
  
Maxim: What about you, Tia?  
  
Tia: Of course not!  
  
_SETTING. Scene change to the group in transit. Up ahead, a big city is visible as they stop at the summit of a large hill._  
  
Lina: There it is, there it is! Nekonekoneko City!  
  
Amelia: Whew! I thought we'd never make it!  
  
Lina: Yeah, it's been FOUR DAYS since we left Joey's forest. Man, I'm starved! I'm so sick of eating that weird bread! It was so chewy and weird tasting, I think it was moldy.  
  
Amelia: We had bread?!  
  
Lina: Yeah, Gourry found it.  
  
Gourry: I found it Zel's knapsack!  
  
Zel *looking around*: Has anyone seen my bath sponge?  
  
Lina & Amelia: ....  
  
Gourry: Nope. Maybe you lost it.  
  
Zel: Huh..  
  
Lina: ................  
  
Amelia: Why were you looking for your sponge anyway?  
  
Zel: I got the strangest urge to look for it just now.  
  
Gourry: Where's the last place you put it? You should check there.  
  
_Scene change. The group enters... Nekonekoneko City. Zelgadis puts his hood and mask on, and they walk around through the streets. Lina is looking at a note, presumably given to her by Joey._  
  
Lina: Now, according to Joey, there's an ancient artifact that's said to contain powerful magic in this city somewhere. It's called the Mystic Idol. Maybe we should check in at the town square and see if anybody has any information!  
  
Amelia: If Nekonekoneko City is anything like Seyruun, an artifact like that would be kept in the castle or a royal museum!  
  
Lina: Well, I bet if we split up and ask around, we're more likely to track it down faster! Why don't you and Zel check the castle and museums, and Gourry and me'll check out town square!  
  
Zel: Why am I paired with Amelia again??  
  
Amelia: Nice to have you on the team, Mr. Zelgadis!  
  
Zel: Stop talking, your voice is annoying.  
  
Amelia: Let's go!!  
  
Zel: I'm going to pretend like I don't know you.  
  
Amelia: WHEEE *skips off*  
  
_Zel sighs and goes after Amelia, passing a glare back at Lina for making him do such an unsavory chore. Lina waves cheerfully and turns to Gourry._  
  
Gourry: Why DO you always pair those two together, Lina?  
  
Lina *rummages around in her cloak*: Cuz Amelia will get work done and has royal repore, and if Zel came with ME, we'd never have time to EAT! *pulls out several bags of gold*  
  
Gourry: Lina, you're my hero!!  
  
Lina: Let's go get some lunch, and a bit of dinner, and THEN we'll start asking about Zel's Idol, huh??  
  
Gourry: I like your thinking!  
  
_Lina and Gourry do their "we get to eat, la la la" dance and dash off towards the town square market. Scene change to the throne room of the kingdom. Everything is in a cat/feline theme; the throne is a cat, the curtains and carpets have pawprints, etc, etc. Seated on the throne is our favorite orange-haired Sohma, Kyo. He's dressed in his normal clothes, but he's wearing a ridiculous crown and a giant cape that keeps getting in the way when he tries to move around._  
  
Guard/Attendant: Prince Kyo, there are two travelers who wish to speak with you!  
  
Kyo: Aw man. *groans* Not MORE people who wanna talk to me! This prince business sucks.  
  
Guard/Attendant: Shall I tell them to depart, sire?  
  
Kyo: *sighs and leans on a fist* No, no... bring 'em on in.  
  
_The guard bows, and walks off. Several moments later, Amelia and Zelgadis enter. Amelia is doing her princess thing, and Zelgadis is trying to pretend he doesn't know her._  
  
Amelia: *bows* Your Highness, Prince Sohma! My name is Amelia Will Tessla Seyruun! As a messenger of peace and justice, I come from afar, from the great righteous kingdom of Seyruun, to--  
  
Kyo: Look, whaddaya want? Just get to the point already, no use wasting your breath like that.  
  
Amelia: Uhhh... Er... Well, my friend here, Mr. Zelgadis, he's looking for a thing called the Mystic Idol to change him into his humanform! We heard it was somewhere in this great city of Nekonekoneko, so we came to ask if you knew of its whereabouts.  
  
Kyo: *rubs at his bracelet* The Mystic Idol, huh? Sounds familiar... Hey Shigure, you ever heard of something called the Mystic Idol?  
  
Shigure: (who is hiding behind the throneroom curtains) Oh yeah, that's here. It's in the Grand Nekonekobakaneko Museum. Unfortunately, only people with special permission are aloud to see it, as it's very powerful.  
  
Kyo: Why are you hiding back there anyway, you weirdo?  
  
Shigure: Oh! No reason really. Curtains are nice, you know... *whistles innocently and fondles the curtains*  
  
Kyo: You're tormenting Mi again, aren't you...   
  
Shigure: Heheheh.  
  
Zel: How can we get safe leave to see the Idol?  
  
Kyo: Huh? Oh... Only Nekonekoneko Royalty are allowed to enter the vaulted area of the shrine...   
  
Zel: ...And I would need to inspect it personally. u_u Looks like this is going to be obnoxiously difficult. Thanks for your help, I guess.  
  
_Zel turns and leaves. Amelia, surprised, pauses a moment in confusion before following. She catches up with him as he leaves the throne room doors._  
  
Amelia: But why can't we just get Prince Kyo to get the Idol for you?  
  
Zel: It sounded like the Idol wouldn't be removable from the museum. I need to see it _personally_ before I will be able to tell if I can use it. This is horrible. *angst, angst*  
  
Amelia: Aww.... it seemed like we were so close, too!  
  
Zel: SIGH. ANGST.  
  
_Scene change. Lina and Gourry, with their arms full of food, are walking through the streets._  
  
Lina: Mmmmm, foooooooooood.  
  
Gourry: I feel like I haven't eaten for YEARS!  
  
Lina: Mmmmmmm......Mmmmmmmmalright. I guess we should start looking for that Idol thing, huh.  
  
Gourry: What Idol thing?  
  
Lina: ..Nevermind. Hey, what's this?  
  
_Lina stops to look at a poster that is tacked to an alley wall. It declares:_  
  
**CITYWIDE RACE TO WIN THE PRINCE KYO'S HAND IN MARRIAGE.**  
Ordered by the King, because Kyo needs to be married.   
Organized by the Prince Kyo Fanclub.   
RACE AGAINST ALL THE OTHER GIRLS.  
IF YOU WIN YOU GET TO MARRY KYO, YAY!!  
Entrance fee: $5.  
Tax deductable. Useful for plot development!!!  
  
Lina: *gets starry eyed* Oh wow, to be married to a prince! Just imagine, Gourry, me, a Princess!!  
  
_Lina goes into a "I want to be a princess" daydream mode, while Gourry chews on a side of ham._  
  
Lina: Jewels... gold... castle.. servants.... cute prince husband.... THAT'S IT! I'M COMPETING, and I'm gonna WIN!!!  
  
Gourry: Mmmf f mdfsmmfmdmfmmf?  
  
Lina: Of course he's cute, this is an anime and he's a prince!  
  
Gourry: Oh. I see.  
  
Lina: C'mon, let's go sign up!  
  
Gourry: Me sign up too? It's girls only, cuz they're gonna marry the _Prince._  
  
Lina: *seems to get a clever idea* ...HMMM..... Let's stop at the clothing store before that, Gourry! Get you a nice dress! *Drags him off*  
  
_A scene change. Gourry is wearing an incredibly tacky dress, since it's a rule that when guys get into drag, they always get really ugly dresses._  
  
Gourry: Lina, why do I have to do this ;_;  
  
Lina: Look, if we both compete, I have twice the chance of winning!! If you win the race, you can always just say it was ME who won! Or submit the prize to me, or something!! It's a great plan!  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Lina: ....  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Lina: Let's go. u_u+  
  
_Scene change to Zel and Amelia._  
  
Amelia: Hey Mr. Zelgadis, look at this! The winner of this race thing going on gets to marry Prince Kyo!  
  
Zel: Yeah so?  
  
Amelia: If you were to win, you could marry him!  
  
Zel: And?  
  
Amelia: Well, the person married to a prince is royalty, right? ^^;  
  
Zel: Uh huh..?  
  
Amelia: And only royalty gets to see the Idol, right? ^^;;;;  
  
Zel: Your point being...?  
  
Amelia: Well, if you won the race, you would be royalty! T_T  
  
Zel: I don't see where you're going with this.  
  
Amelia: IF YOU WON THE FUCKING RACE YOU WOULD GET TO SEE THE IDOL DAMNIT!!!  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Amelia: I mean, uh...  
  
Zel: *holds up his hand* It's okay, we all lose our tempers some times. Don't consider yourself a bad person.  
  
Amelia: But you were the one who--!!  
  
Zel: Blaming others will never get you anywhere.  
  
Amelia: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *explodes*  
  
_Scene change. Great Will of the Macrocosm races by, complete with jingling rattling noise._  
  
Zel: Oh, I see! Yes, I should compete in this race. Your logic is infallible.  
  
Amelia: Yay! Infallible!  
  
(voice over narration) Joey: And so, Lina, Gourry and Zelgadis all decided to enter the race in order to marry the reluctant Prince Kyo. Nevermind that Gourry is in horrible drag, Lina's motives are completely selfish, and Zelgadis doesn't seem to be entirely clear on the concept.... That's what marriage is all about.  
  


  
Marriage = Horrible drag, complete selfishness, and being unclear on the concept.  
  
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!!!


	6. Ep 3 Pt 2 Life is a game! I mean a race ...

**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 3: "LIFE IS A GAME. I MEAN A RACE. LIFE IS A RACE." || Part 2_  
By Golemman's alterego  
  
_LAST TIME ON TBWFE: STUFF HAPPENED. IT WAS COOL._  
  
_Setting: Just outside the city boundaries, there is a gathering. There are bicycles of all shapes and sizes, and their owners, all cute anime women, stand around chatting. Lina and Gourry walk up to the sign up table._  
  
Lina: *slaps her hand on the table and leans on it* HEY PAL, sign me up for this marry the prince thing, willya! And my friend too.  
  
Official: Your names please?  
  
Lina: Lina Inverse! And this is Gourry!....er... Gourry...etta. Gourrietta. Yep! Gourrietta Gabriev, that's his name.  
  
Official: His..?  
  
Lina: I mean her. Gourry's his name. I mean, her name.  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Official: You said it was Gourrietta.  
  
Lina: It is! What's wrong with you??  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Official: ...Alright... Lina and Gourrietta. Please fill out these forms.  
  
_Lina takes both forms and walks over to the side, where she proceeds to fill them both out. She pauses._  
  
Lina: WHAT? Provide your own bike for the race?? This is a bicycle race?!  
  
_Lina looks up, and we get a panoramic shot of all the competitors with their bikes._  
  
Lina: Oh man! We better go get some bikes, and fast!  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Lina: Hey mister! *at the official* When does the race start?  
  
Official: Tomorrow morning at sunrise!  
  
Lina: Ok, cool. We'll be right back. We need bikes! C'mon Gourrietta!! *grabs Gourry and drags him off*  
  
_Scene wipe to Zel and Amelia. Zel is in drag, as per requirement. He stares at the form._  
  
Zel: Provide your own bike for the race?!  
  
Amelia: Looks like, Zelarina!  
  
_Scene change back to town. Lina, Gourry, Zel and Amelia run into each other outside the bike shop._  
  
Lina: Hey guys! What are you doing here?  
  
Amelia: We're here to get a bike for Mr. Zelgadis, so he can win the race and marry Prince Kyo and get to see the Mystic Idol!  
  
Lina: WHAT?! We're racing too! *grabs Gourry posessively* YOU CAN'T HAVE MY POTENTIAL PROXY!  
  
(short music video interlude; Lina standing on a passed out Gourry, swinging a battle ax, singing:)  
  
OH YOU CAN'T HAVE MY POTENTIAL PROXY  
HE IS MINE, AND I AM FOXY  
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S MINE  
IF I DON'T WIN AND HE DOES I'LL STILL BE FINE  
  
(end music interlude)  
  
Zel: ...what's wrong with Gourry, anyway?  
  
Lina: Eh?  
  
_Group turns to look at Gourry._  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Lina: Oh, he's just sad because he didn't get the bra he wanted. *to Gourry* I TOLD YOU, I AIN'T MADE OF GOLD YA KNOW!  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Amelia: I don't think that's why he's crying....  
  
Lina: Look, that's beside the point anyway! You guys can't compete! I'M going to win!  
  
Zel: Hmph. In your dreams, Lina. I was on the bike team back in highschool. (flashback moment of Zel in bike shorts, biking with the bike team).  
  
Lina: Oh ho HO, it's gonna be like THAT is it? FINE then! We'll race against each other and I'll kick yer ass! *flings the bike shop doors open and storms in*  
  
_Inside the bike shop, all the bikes seem to have been sold out. Only four remain. The shopkeeper looks apologetic._  
  
Shopkeep: Everyone rushed in yesterday when the race notification went out... between that and the Queen concert, I'm all out of bikes AND bells!  
  
_Zel pokes at one of the bikes and the handle falls off._  
  
Zel: Huh.  
  
Amelia: We'll take all three!  
  
_Lina, Zel and the Shopkeep all fall over. Gourry continues to make the ;_; face_  
  
Lina: Amelia, these things are pieces of junk! We'll never win the race on them!  
  
Amelia: *pays the shopkeep anyway* I'm sure there's a way! Where there's a WILL there's a way, and that's my middle name!  
  
Zel: Well, one of them...  
  
_Screen wipe. Amelia, Lina, and Gourry wheel their bikes down the street after Amelia, who is doing her justice girl march. Lina makes the smug look at Zel._  
  
Lina: So Zel, what are YOU going to do when you LOSE?  
  
Zel: u_u If you're trying to intimidate me, Lina, it's not working.  
  
Lina: Oh yeah! Well, I'm not the one dressed up as a woman!  
  
Zel: *stares at Lina*  
  
Lina: ..Oh, right. I am a woman.  
  
Zel: Though, with that chest and figure you'd never know. u_u *smug*  
  
_Screen orients on Amelia as there's a loud crashing noise in the background, as well as a fireball and an explosion or two._  
  
Voice: Um, sah? Sah?  
  
Amelia: Eh?  
  
_A small bishi boy with black hair and gigantic purple eyes, wearing poor mechanic's clothes and one of those newsie hats steps out from the alley._  
  
Voice: Would you all perchance be looking for a way to fix those bicycles up to enter the race to marry Kyo Sohma?  
  
Amelia: Why yes, we are! Are you a bike fixer upper?  
  
Yuki: Yes, I am! My name is Yuki Sohma. I'd be happy to fix those bikes for you!  
  
Amelia: YAY! Miss Lina, Mr Zelgadis! I found someone who will fix your bicycles!  
  
Lina: Hahahaha, that boy thinks he's people.  
  
Yuki: Walk this way! *hobbles off down the alley* This way!  
  
_Scene change to Yuki's workshop. Mice and rats scurry around, and Yuki crouches in the center of the room with one of the bikes. The Slayers sit around on crates and boxes, waiting._  
  
Amelia: You said your name was Yuki Sohma, didn't you? Are you related to Prince Kyo?  
  
Yuki: No. I get asked that all the time. But no, no sah, I'm not.  
  
Amelia: Oh, okay. Weird coincedence.  
  
Yuki: Indeed.  
  
_Screen wipe. Lina, Zel and Gourry (;_;) hold their new, shiny, awesome looking bikes, and prepare to bid the mysterious Yuki not-related-to-Kyo-Sohma Sohma goodbye._  
  
Lina: Hey! Thanks for the help! Are you sure there's nothing you want in payment?  
  
Yuki: No... No, I do it out of the kindness of my heart. (Yeah, that's it...)  
  
Lina: Sweet! C'MON GOURRY! LET'S GO SAVE OUR SPOT AT THE STARTING LINE! *grabs Gourry and races off, ringing her bike bell twice*  
  
Amelia: I guess we should follow their example, eh Mr. Zelgadis? ^^  
  
Zelgadis: Indeed. *bows to Yuki* Thank you.  
  
Yuki: Sure thing.  
  
_Scene change. It's evening, and the racers are all camping out on the hill, where the starting line is. Some of them chat with Lina while they eat at the bonfire._  
  
Lina: Hey, who's that chick over there? *nods at a (18 year old) girl with a long braid, who is polishing her shoes*  
  
Girl 1: That's Sushi Fastandspeedy!  
  
Girl 2: *whining* I wish she wasn't competing, it's so intimidating!!  
  
Lina: Oh yeah? Is she good?  
  
Girl 1: Oh yeah, she's way good!  
  
Girl 2: And rumour has it, her bike only has ONE WHEEL.  
  
Lina: Wowwwwww.....  
  
Girl 1: They say she biked here all the way from the Fastandspeedy Kingdom, on her one wheeled bike!  
  
Girl 2: Oh. My. God. I hope she gets the flu and can't compete tomorrow x_x;;;  
  
Lina: Hah! You guys are wusses. Anyone who gets afraid of someone they're competing against before they even confirm the tall tales is just gullible! I don't care if her bicycle has NO wheels, I'm gonna win this race and become Mrs. Kyo Sohma!  
  
_Meanwhile, Zelgadis and Amelia eat quietly._  
  
Amelia: So good luck in the race tomorrow, Mr... ah, I mean. Miss Zelarina!  
  
Zel: Hmph.  
  
Amelia: Wasn't it nice of Mr. Yuki to fix our bikes for FREE? It was almost as if he had ULTERIOR MOTIVES for it!  
  
Zel: Don't be silly. No one ever has ulterior motives. Ever. No one.  
  
Amelia: I guess you're right. I should trust in the intrinsic altruism of the courageous and righteous human spirit.  
  
_Amelia and Zel are quiet and straight-faced for a moment, and then they both burst out laughing._  
  
Zel: HAHAHAHAHAHA, INTRINSIC ALTRUISM!!!!!  
  
Amelia: COURAGEOUS HUMAN SPIRIT, HAHAHAAHA!!! THAT'LL BE THE DAY! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha.....  
  
_Fade to black. **TO BE CONTINUED!!!!**_


	7. Ep 4 Pt 1 Race of the Pigeons

**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 4: "RACE OF THE PIGEONS" || Part 1_  
By Joey & Golemman  
  
_In the previous episode "Life is a game" (etc), Lina, Zelgadis and Gourry entered a bicycle race in Nekonekoneko Kingdom. The winner of the race wins the young Prince Kyo's hand in marriage (whether he likes it or not). Unfortunately, they are not united in their cause; Zelgadis hopes to win Kyo's hand in marriage so that he will have access to the Mystic Idol, while Lina (and a "coerced" Gourry) are simply attempting to get Lina married to a Prince. In the process of obtaining their bikes for the race, they were aided by a mysterious young begger mechanic boy, Yuki, who bears no relation whatsoever to Prince Kyo._  
  
Gourry: And, I still like oysters.  
  
_SETTING. The sun is beginning to rise. The racers line up at the starting line. Lina spits on her hands and gets into her "get ready" position. The air is clear. Across the lawn, Zelgadis and Gourry get ready to bike as well. The official stands before them._  
  
Official: The rules of the race are as follows, and must be held to with perfection, at the penalty of disqualification and seven dozen lashings with a wet noodle! Rule one! The--  
  
Voice: (loudly, with much gusto and haughtiness) The contestants must remain on their bikes at all times! Rule number two! The track must be held to with precision! Any deviation results in disqualification.  
  
_Camera focuses on the speaker. It's Sushi Fastandspeedy! She is sitting on her unicycle, backed by the rising sun. Heroic/cool music plays and she gives a thumbs up. Everyone else is like "WOWWWW!!!!!1111one"_  
  
Official: Gasp! Sushi Fastandspeedy!   
  
Sushi: Rule number three! No physical interaction between the racers! That means no shoving, kicking, ramming! This is a contest of pure speed, got it?  
  
Lina: Heh. She still didn't--  
  
Sushi: And no fireballs or other magic.  
  
Lina: Damnit!  
  
Official: Yes! Those are the three rules! Now, takes your places--  
  
Sushi: One more rule!  
  
Official: Eh??  
  
_Upbeat music pauses and the shot is a close profile:_  
  
Sushi: Rule four is, no trying to beat me. Breaking this rule results in eating my dust!  
  
Crowd: GASP!!!  
  
Zel: Hmph. She talks big, but I bet it's all talk.  
  
Lina: BRING IT ON, SISTER!!  
  
_The sun begins to rise, so the official steps aside and raises his flag. All racers get into position._  
  
Official: Starting in FIVE!!  
  
Sushi: So you're Lina Inverse, huh?  
  
Official: FOUR!  
  
Lina: Yeah, what's it to ya??  
  
Official: THREE!  
  
Sushi: Just wondering who I'm racing against, that's all! ^^  
  
Official: TWO!  
  
Lina: Well, you're racing against me! Me! Me, Lina Inverse, that's who!!  
  
Official: ONE!!  
  
Sushi: wtf?  
  
Official: GO!  
  
_In a blast of bike tire screeching, etc, and music too, don't forget, the racers start off down the hill. We get the classic profile shot of them as they race down the hill._  
  
Gourry: WWOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! EAT MY DUST, ROADBLOCKS!!! WWWWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
_Gourry races past everyone and zooms away down the track_  
  
Sushi, Lina & Zel: !!!!  
  
Zel: He's going to win!! *wearing his lucky bike shorts*  
  
Lina: Where'd he learn to bike like that?!  
  
Sushi: Looke like a worthy opponent! *puts some extra effort into her unicycling and zooms off after Gourry*  
  
Lina: Holy goats! *rings her bell and pedals harder*  
  
Zel: I have to win! I must win to get to the Mystic Idol! *pedals harder, too*  
  
(cut scene to Joey's kitchen, where he and Xellos eat pudding and tea)  
  
Joey: Wow! I never knew coconut pudding was so good!  
  
Xellos: Ah yes, and this Green Jasmine tea is quite delightful!  
  
Joey: Pass the crumpets please?  
  
Xellos: Of course!  
  
Joey: You know, I heard something on the morning bulletin this morning, about a bicycle race.  
  
Xellos: Oh really?   
  
Joey: Yes, and I heard that there will be some girls racing.  
  
Xellos: Oh reeeeally.  
  
Joey: Yes. With or without fat bottoms  
  
Xellos: Intriguing!  
  
Joey: What say you and I partake in spectating this phenomenon?  
  
Xellos: Charming idea! Let's go!  
  
Joey: Lovely!  
  
(end cutscene)  
  
_The sun has risen. The racers have begun the race around the peremeter of the city. Gourry and Sushi are in the lead, trailed by Lina and Zelgadis. Gourry's dress has become rather frayed by his crazed biking, but he hasn't become completely outed yet. Sushi and Gourry are neck and neck (but not necking, sorry)_  
  
Sushi: Who are you?! Your biking skills are fantastic!  
  
Gourry: MY NAME IS GOURRY!!! I AM THE BIKE CHAMP OF 94'!!! WAHAHAH, BWAHAHWAHAHA!!! WWWWEEEEEEHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Sushi: *smirks* You are a worthy opponent! May the best woman win!  
  
_Meanwhile, Zel and Lina:_  
  
Lina: Nice shorts, Zel!  
  
Zel: Shut up! They're my lucky shorts! ...Anyway, you're the short one, you shorty!!  
  
Lina: !!!  
  
Zel: Haha! Got you there, didn't I?! HAhah!! LOOK OUTT!!!  
  
_Lina looks ahread just in time to bike into a trash can. She goes flying. Coincedentally, Yuki happens to be walking across the street ahead at the same time, and Lina flies right into him and lands on him. **POOF**_  
  
Lina: Owwww.... what broke my fall? I coulda sworn that Yuki kid was here a minute ago... *sits and rubs her head*  
  
_Zelgadis skids to a halt and walks over to make sure Lina's ok, despite their previous competition._  
  
Zel: You alright?  
  
Lina: Yeah, I think so, I--AAAH, A FERRET!! AHHHH  
  
Zel: *stares*  
  
Yuki: *bursts into tears* NOOO!!! MY SECRET!!! WAAAAAHHH  
  
Zel: ...  
  
Lina: AHHH, WHINING GUINEA PIG!! AAAH!! ..Hey, it's like Amelia! HAhahaha!! ....AHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Yuki: *sniffles* My secret... She touched my special area....  
  
Lina: You turned into a mouse?!  
  
Yuki: *nods sadly*  
  
Zel: What were you doing wandering around across the bike race track anyway?!  
  
Yuki: Going to my secret garden. To plant... seeds... _ _  
  
Zel: Oh yeah, what KIND of seeds?  
  
Yuki: Uhh... _ _  
  
Akito: *leans out one of the ghetto building windows* Heeeeey duuuuuude, Yuki, like have you gotten the new batch of--- Ohhh. Heeeya. Are you guys buyers?  
  
Yuki:....go back inside, Akito....  
  
Lina: Oh, I see what you were planting.  
  
Zel: Yes, I think it's quite clear.  
  
Yuki. u_u;;;  
  
Lina: YOU were planting illegal plants.  
  
Yuki: They're medicinal!  
  
Lina: ILLEGAL STRAWBERRIES!!!  
  
Zel: Disgusting. Scum of society.  
  
Yuki: WTF...  
  
Akito: Dahuuude! Strawberries rock, man! Want to see mine?  
  
Yuki: GO BACK INSIDE, AKITO!  
  
Akito: AHHH, YELLING MARMOT!! *runs away from the window*  
  
Lina: Wanna tell us WHY you turned into a mouse?  
  
Yuki: No, not really.  
  
Lina: Oh, ok.  
  
Zel: Fair enough.  
  
_Meanwhile, Gourry and Sushi...._  
  
Sushi: Damn! Looks like I may have met my match -- I can't believe I would be beat by a giant blond hunk of man in drag! Horrible drag, granted, but drag none the less! Wait, what was my argument again? Hey wait, I like guys in drag!  
  
Gourry: (foaming at the mouth, totally insane from having not said hardly anything this entire plotline) *Incoherent raving, yelling, screaming*  
  
_The finish line looms. Sushi sweatdrops._  
  
Sushi: No! It can't be! I can't lose!!!  
  
Gourry: !!!!!!  
  
_There's a creak, and then a crunch, and Gourry's bike falls apart under him, with an unexplainable explosion. Debris flies everywhere, and when the smoke clears, there's nothing left but Gourry in boxers and a stuffed bra, and a twisted, cinged heap of metal that was once a bike. Sushi skids to a halt, much like Zelgadis did in an early action description. Except it was Sushi, not Zelgadis, and the situation was different._  
  
Sushi: Are you alright?!  
  
Gourry: .... ;_;  
  
Sushi: ...*pokes*  
  
Gourry: ...............;_;  
  
Sushi: Well... if you don't need an ambulance... *gets back on her unicycle* I got a race to finish! Sorry! Bye!  
  
Gourry: ........................... ;_;  
  
_Meanwhile, Lina, Zel, and mouseform Yuki are sitting in the alley, looking bored and reconciliate._  
  
Lina: I bet we've probably lost the race by now, huh. u_u  
  
Zel: Yeah. Damn.  
  
Lina: If we had only teamed up, we probably could have find a way to win the race that would benefit ALL of us.  
  
Zel: I was selfish. I should have thought of your needs too.  
  
Lina: Oh, no, Zel, *I* was the one who was selfish! *stands up, largely ignoring Yuki* All I thought about was myself! Myself, and my own personal gratification!   
  
Zel: Yes. Yes, that's exactly what you were doing.  
  
Yuki: Maybe you guys just need a good ****.  
  
Lina: ....  
  
Zel: ....  
  
Lina: ...AHHHHH, LECHEROUS TALKING CAPYBARA!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
**POOF**  
  
Lina: Dude, you're like, totally naked.  
  
Zel: *gets an explosive nosebleed*  
  
Yuki: ... *gets dressed*  
  
Lina: Hahaha, I think he likes you!  
  
Joey: (having just walked into the scene with Xellos) Maybe now's a good time to take a commercial break...  
  
Zel: *stares at Joey for the script so far (and pinches his nose to keep it from bleeding)* You're sick, man. Really sick.  
  
  
_PART 2 COMING UP.... STAY TUNED!!!_


	8. Ep 4 Pt 2 Race of the Pigeons

**The Best Worst Fanfic Ever**  
_Episode 4: "RACE OF THE PIGEONS" || Part 2_  
By Golemman, with technical editing by Joey.  
  
_I'm so not bothering with a recap._  
  
_SCENE. Balloons and confetti are thrown in the air, and there are many cheers. The last bike race stragglers bike in, but even as they do, Sushi and her unicycle are carried up to the main podium. Kyo is tied to the chair, there, and is actively trying to break free._  
  
Kyo: LET ME GO! AHH! I don't want to get married!! Especially not to some girl I don't know!! AGHH, GODDAMNIT!! AHH!!  
  
King: Now now, son, stop being a poopface. Your poor deceased mother and I really thought it would be best that you get married, and to someone you don't know.  
  
Kyo: But it MAKES NO SENSE!!  
  
Zel: Well, I see Sushi won the race. I guess she wasn't all talk.  
  
Lina: Whore.  
  
Zel: !! Slut! T_T  
  
Lina: Not YOU, HER!!  
  
Zel: OHHHHHHH. Yeeeah. Whooooore. *nods*  
  
Gourry: ;_;  
  
Sushi: Hey, don't call me a whore, you whore!  
  
Lina: You're the whore!  
  
Sushi: Your mom's a whore!  
  
Lina: !! NOT MY MOTHER!!  
  
Sushi: Hmph. *walks over to Kyo* YAY! HI, HUBBY!  
  
Kyo: AAGH! Let me GO! I don't KNOW YOU!!  
  
Sushi: Hmph. So that's what I get for racing so hard just to be your wife? an "Aaagh, let me go" ?? Hah! Some prince you are!  
  
Yuki: Grrrr. Grrrr.  
  
Lina: What's your problem?  
  
Yuki: What? Oh, nothing... nothing at all..... Grrrrr.  
  
Official: We'd like to announce the winner of this year's Bike-Marry-a-thon! Sushi Fastandspeedy! As for her award, she shall be marrying Prince Kyo Sohma at noonfall [1] tomorrow!  
  
Kyo: TOMORROW?  
  
Sushi: Sweet! What service! *goes to throw her arms around Kyo, but is held back by Shigure*  
  
Shigure: That's not something you want to do. ^^  
  
Sushi: What? Of course it's something I want to do. He's my fiance! Back off, kimono boy!  
  
Shigure: No, I reeeeally don't think you want to do that...  
  
Sushi: Ok, fine, if it's because of public appearance or whatever, I can deal with it.   
  
Official: Now, to the wedding feast!  
  
Sushi: Hey! As the new princess and queen regent, I'd like to invite those three! Yeah, those three! *points at Lina, Gourry and Zel* to the banquet!  
  
Lina: Huh? Why us?  
  
Sushi: You guys were awesome in the race! You deserve an honerable mention! You can bring your two weird friends, too, if you want.  
  
Zel: ..Hmph. *smiles thinly* Well, we may not have gotten the Mystic Idol, but I suppose we _are_ getting a free feast.  
  
Lina: That's good enough for me!!  
  
Gourry: ....food?  
  
Yuki & Amelia: Weird friends??  
  
_Scene change to the evening. Everyone is seated at a giant banquet table. Except Kyo, who is more or less restrained there. Sushi takes turns feeding herself and then her new fiance._  
  
Kyo: AAAAAGHHHHH! I don't deserve this!  
  
Sushi: Stop struggling, you'll get food on your shirt!  
  
Kyo: AHHHH, I.... Hmmm... *looks crafty* Hey, babe, I never noticed how cute you were!  
  
Sushi: Aww, then you weren't looking hard enough.  
  
Kyo: I'd give you a hug, cept I'm all tied up.. Why don't you just do me the favor and give me a snuggaroo?  
  
Sushi: Ooh! *starts to, then thinks better of it and leans back* No! What Shigure said is right. A proper princess wouldn't show her affection in public! That's unbecoming.  
  
Kyo: Damn!  
  
Momiji: Hahah! Kyo's got the hots this evening!  
  
Kyo: I DO NOT!!  
  
Momiji: He's got the HOTS. ^^  
  
Kyo: AaaaaaaaaaaaaRRRRRRGJHGIFDJDSlsjldfjsdf!  
  
Lina: Awww, how cute! Newly wed-to-be's!  
  
Zel: *mumblemumblethis is just like that horrible brass raquets racket and the claire bibblemumblemumble*  
  
Gourry: Food!! Yay!  
  
Joey: Looks like this story is all wrapped up! Thanks for reading...  
  
Kyo: HEY! It is NOT all wrapped up! *I'M* stuck marrying someone I don't even know!  
  
Sushi: You'll get to know me! I promise!  
  
Zel: I am sensing a lack of direction and momentum, however... Maybe we should just forego a proper conclusion and truncate this farce before it gets painful.  
  
Yuki: NO!!  
  
_All sound and music stops as everyone stares at Yuki, who has appeared before the main table._  
  
Kyo: YUKI?! What're you doing here, you damn rat!  
  
Yuki: I've come to claim my rightful place! ON THE THRONE!  
  
Kyo: What?! Rats haven't been allowed in the Nekonekoneko Royal family for centuries, and they're CERTAINLY not gonna start now. u_u+  
  
Yuki: Funny sounding from a guy who's tied to a chair and being hand-fed. *smug*  
  
Kyo: OH YEAH?! COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT, YOU DAMN RAT!  
  
Yuki: My pleasure...  
  
Sushi: WAIT!!! Stop fighting! Instead of doing the storyline THAT way, why I don't I just get on with my confession, since it was supposed to happen eventually and saying it now would be as good a time as any??  
  
Group: What confession?  
  
Gourry: What's going on again?  
  
Sushi: *stands* The fact is, Kyo Sohma, that you DO know me. I'm... not really Sushi Fastandspeedy. I'm actually... (duhn duhn duhn) AUDREY Fastandspeedy!  
  
Group: GASP  
  
Kyo: AUDREY?! PRINCESS Audrey Fastandspeedy?! (shock)  
  
Audrey: Yes, that's right! Your old best friend from elementary days! How I have waited for this day, to finally confess my love for you! How I trained on my unicycle, so that when the day finally came that your father and your fan club would arrange a bike-marry-a-thon, I could race for your hand in marriage! And this day has finally come! So take that!  
  
Kyo: Audrey, my love! How I missed you! The day that you went away, you took part of my heart!  
  
(romantic flowery background scene)  
  
Yuki: Hey, uh... we were gonna have a fight scene...  
  
Kyo: Dude, shut up, I'm so going to score.  
  
Sushi: HAhah, you wish. Not until we're married!  
  
Yuki: But--! My fight scene! My big scene! My righteous rant!! Where do I get to explain how fixing their bikes was all in my master plan to distract Kyo and get into the royal banquet, so I could fight him and finally claim my rightful place in the Sohma family?! WHERE?! WHY HAS MY FATE YET AGAIN BEEN STOLEN FROM ME?!  
  
Lina: Sheesh, sit down and shut up. No one cares about your stupid fight and angst and stuff. I mean, if you're going to angst, get in line.  
  
Amelia: Yeah, Mr. Zelgadis way has priority.  
  
Lina: Go ahead, Zel.  
  
Zel: Thanks, I will. *angst, angst, angst, angst.*  
  
Joey: Awww, what a happy story! Everyone has a happy ending.  
  
Zel: What the! That's not true at all! I'm--  
  
Joey: Gooooooooooodnight everybody!!  
  
_Quick fade out, end._  
  
**[1] Vague reference to a Slayers parody adlib fandub, where Zel says "I'll be gone, and back by noonfall. I don't know what it means either, I just opened my mouth and that's what came out. I don't wanna talk about it."**


End file.
